ALL THE FEELS

completely unrelated picture from Easter-clearly Owe is pleased about it.

This is completely just my feelings because 1.) I feel a lot 2.) documenting how I feel will help solidify the feelings as real, and 3.) I can look back and remember how I felt as to feel it (or not) feel it again.

I'm feeling this weird sort of anxiousness that causes me to not want to do any of the things that I need to accomplish (studying, a 3 page philosophy paper, laundry), and some of the things that I even want (meal planning, photo shoot, get ready, finish a package) to accomplish. I'm having a rough time motivating myself to do any of it because I feel like I have so much of it. I did a really good job last week of checking things off of my to do list and feeling completely accomplished, but even my lists upon lists aren't motivating me. HELP. 

But here's my real issue: This is usually when I pray because I know I can't do it alone, and I know that my (our) Heavenly Father can help me in ways that I don't think will help, but totally do. But, I feel like asking for his help is selfish of me because I didn't do all I could to prepare for this paper, or this test (which is ultimately what I'm feeling anxious about) and to ask him to help me would be of no good because he meets us where we leave off, but only if we did our part, and I didn't really do my part so I'm stuck with this consequence of being anxious, right?  

As I type this out, all I'm thinking is this: He is not only a God of justice, but a God of mercy. And even though he may not make it so my paper gets an A, he can teach me something. He will show me, that if I try today He will motivate me to push forward in other parts of my life. That no matter if I make mistakes a million times, He will be there to pick me up and brush the dirt of my back. He'll embrace me in his loving arms and say, "We'll do better next time." I need to be specific in my prayers and ask him to help me accomplish the task. Even if it to just finish the 3 page paper that would seem minimal to most, but overwhelmingly hard to me because I don't understand the material. Or just understand what I need to be writing about. 

So here's what I'm really getting at here. All of that up there was selfish, it was to help me document, and process my thoughts. But here's my feels to you: No matter who you are, where you are, what religion you are, how pretty you are, the amount of mistakes you've made, or how righteous you may be, HE loves you, and HE listens to you. He is both mercy and justice, HE is all loving and all knowing. He will give you what you need, but he will also let you feel real things (not always fun), and He will have you learn.

I don't know why this turned into a testimony post, but it did. Selfish reasons mostly. And here's a question for the 3 of you out there: How do you motivate yourself when you have a lot to accomplish? I'd love your thoughts.

thanks for reading today.

xoxo,

mo.

LOVING PT. 2

I absolutely love favorites posts/videos. It may be me just being overly nosey, but what's new? So, here are things I've been loving:

+This video is priceless. Watch the whole thing-even if you aren't a Luke Bryan fan. You might love him after this.

+Dresses, dresses, dresses

+Fresh floral everything. Headdresses, bouquets, decor, everything.

Shayla Lillian She's the cutest, and she just graduated college which makes me realize its totally possible. Anyway, I love her.

+If this does not make you laugh-I don't even know how to respond to that appropriately.

+Glitter, sequins, Kate Spade's brilliance

+Jumpsuits. You only have to pick one item and you look FAB people.

Hey Natalie Jean New York Mommy Blogger. She wrote a book, and her kid's name is Huck. If that doesn't pull you in, I don't know what will.

+Minimalist present wrapping and gift giving. You all need to have birthdays more often so I can buy pretty things and wrap them up.

xoxo,

mo.

A BELATED HAPPY BIRTHDAY

I just wanted to wish my littlest love a happy, happy late birthday.

Bo,
You're such a sweetheart. You are handsome and smart and charming. I remember sharing a bed with you when you could barely walk, and taking froyo dates on summer mornings. I'm so proud of you in all your accomplishments so far. You'll do big, big things. I love you to the moon. Happy Birthday cutie.

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He had a little bit of a rough day, but he kept smiling, and thats something I will always love about him. He may be a tad overdramatic, but we're one in the same there. Also, my mom hates the kitchen and she make that beautiful cake (white pudding cake/cool whip/strawberries), so she rocks.

xoxo,
mo.

TIME

My very minimal free time lately has been spent watching these handsome boys play.

I'm almost done with finals (Two more tomorrow + one next Tuesday) and that makes me so happy and proud of myself for sticking it out. Here's to summer right around the corner.

Pray that the sunshine comes back out.

I NEVER THOUGHT I'D:

I called my best friend who lives all the way in NYC today because absolutely no one can fix me like she can. She just pieces everything together and makes me feel safe to just say all the words I need to and to even cry and laugh so loud in her ear. She opens my eyes a million miles wide to things I really need to see.She doesn't care if she feels how I feel because she loves me and knows that whatever I feel is real for me and even though I may not need validation she validates it and is all sorts of good. Only three more weeks until I get to see her in the flesh. I don't know if she even reads this, but if you do, my dear. I love you to the moon. Thank you.

As we were talking we said a lot of things like, "I never thought this would happen," or "I didn't think it'd turn out that way." Then, when I came home I saw a link party with this "I never thought I'd..." theme and I just had to jump on that train because it fit today so well.

I never thought I'd:

+be living at home while going to school
+fall in love with art, theatre and dance
+fall in love already
+miss people that I miss so much
+get a "B" and be okay with it
+be confident enough to put pictures of myself somewhere people could see
+watch my family struggle
+stay in touch with T; let alone become best friends
+care so much about everything
+get heartbroken
+stay in Utah for school/feel so undecided about where I want to go to school
+actually survive 10 days (and counting) without sugar
+stop playing piano
+still be teaching swim lessons
+have 2 callings, a job, and finals week and be overly grateful that they're all happening at once
+run a red light today (total accident which is almost worse than on purpose)
+ride trains and busses on the daily
+absolutely love to cook
+research random things/watch educational lectures for utter enjoyment
+own a windows based computer
+be exactly where I am emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually today.

xoxo,
mo.

APRIL + OVERNIGHT OATS

April is almost half over, which is completely bizarre to me, and I can't believe how fast things have flown by. Summer is fast approaching, and I have some really exciting things in store, but making it through April might be a task. So, to conquer the tasks rest of April has in store (and the latter half of April as a whole) I've set some goals.

+Go to class. In high school when summer fast approached teachers kept you engaged by  filling lots of time with projects, or just changed up the schedule a little bit to make it more interesting.  (even with the interesting I skipped more often than I want to admit come sunshine) Plus, there were a million little things like the April show, dances, and end of year activities galore. But being a big girl in college requires just a lot of tests, papers and projects, forcing me to make my own time interesting. And as much as I may not want to, I have to make sure I go to class. It's only like nine more times. I can do that easy.

+Put forth effort in class. I started off the semester really great, but things went downhill. It was this "easier" than my last semester, but in reality, it was just different, and I didn't adjust as well. BUT one thing I love sticking by is it's never too late. Sure, sometimes it's realistically too late, but you'll learn something if you try anyway. 

+Finish the Book of Mormon. Never done it before. Wish me luck.

+Improve my relationship with food. This is another story for another day, but for now Eliza and I are working together at being healthy for the rest of April. (We started Sunday.) I have ten "rules." Should I share 'em?

+Enjoy. 

+Be conscious about the money I spend. When I was living in SLC I didn't have a job, and for the first month or so back home too. Therefore my income was a zero, (which was fine. go meal plans.) but the second I got a paycheck/actual real money in my account I got a little bit careless. We're flipping that around. 

+Smile at strangers. I'm a *headphones in walk to class and make no eye contact* kind of human on campus and the train. 

//

Okay, if you've read this far claps for you. And as a reward, here's my favorite breakfast recipe as of late.

Overnight Oats:

In a mason jar combine: 

2/3 cup almond milk

1/2 cup vanilla greek yogurt (or plain if you have those kind of taste buds.)

1/2 cup old fashioned oats

cinnamon to your taste (or if you're a PB fanatic like I am PB2)

I literally throw everything in, screw the lid on, shake and stick it in my fridge till morning. It's totally filling, easy to grab in the morning, plus it has a lid. I put bananas on mine this week, but feel free to top with any cereal toppings your heart desires. 

xoxo,

mo. 

THROWBACK + FAMILIES

Forgive the millions of pictures, I find something so charming about looking through old photos. There's also something bittersweet about being nostalgic, and remembering the times when things were simpler and I didn't realize that families can be really hard. 

It's hard in the best way possible; In a way that I want to have my own someday, but hard nonetheless. My family is so beautiful, and my extended family is going through a million and a half things literally all within days, but everything feels so okay. I know that God is looking out for them. It's nice to know that even though there is so much chaos going on for them, they have each other and us to go through chaos with. Plus, having a lot of my family as a part of the same faith as me, we can pray together and know that whatever happens God has our backs.

Family requires sacrifice, and so much patience. On bad days you might even have to pray to know how to really like them (one of our favorite sayings here is: "I don't like you right now, but I love you.").

I live at home right now, but last summer I could not wait to get out. I packed up my things weeks in advance, and I was outta here fall semester. Things didn't go as planned, and pieces of me realized that I needed to be back with them for spring semester. Those reasons aren't all apparent yet, but through many prayers I know I'm supposed to be here. And to be honest, it's a little bit restricting, but I've learned to love and appreciate them more than I ever did in high school, and more than I think I ever could if I wasn't here at this exact point in time. I love them to pieces, and wouldn't ever want a different family. They teach me things constantly.

I'd also like to give a little love to my "second families." Like my theatre family, The Bairds, friend family, The Richards, and my work family. I think that we all need second families to get us through our own, to keep us sane, and to make sure we feel loved all the time. I love my second families a million times over and wouldn't be who I am today without them. They help us grow, and give us qualities and isms to create ourselves.

And for that, and everything family, I am eternally grateful.

xoxo,
mo.

FOREVER RAMBLING

Forgive the bathroom mirror selfies. I'm not even that sorry, though.

After such a wonderful weekend full of spirit, friends, memories and laughter I hit it kind of hard Monday/Tuesday. Now, I know I shouldn't be focusing on the negative, and that's not what I'm trying to do, but I'm just feeling unsettled and writing helps me feel better. 

I have a lot ahead of me, and I'm not even really sure how to comprehend it all. I've been so blessed with opportunities (like almost free schooling, a decent job, volunteering at Primary Children's, a good YSA ward) but balancing them isn't the easiest thing to do. I'm not even talking about the time for all of them, but my balance of emotional investment in all of them. 

My job is something that has always been an escape for me. A happy place, some might call it. And not to say it isn't anymore, but it's a new position and new responsibilities--big ones. I'm in charge of an entire swim program that holds over 200 kids. I know that I'm fit for it, and that my Heavenly Father needs me to learn to lead and a million other things by this, but I'm just a little scared.  

School, on the other hand hasn't always been an escape, but it's always been something that I've been good at and been motivated to do and do well, but this semester isn't going in that direction. I'm doing well, but I'm just really tired of my classes. I just don't have that push to go and to put heart into it. Philosophy makes me want to poke my eyes out is really what this is all about I think. Plus, I have to perform a solo for my final in dance which is like uber scary (no matter how much I've always wanted to be a dancer.)

Volunteering is amazing, and there is something so special there, but I've been sick, and have a conflict this week, and missing this much is making me a tiny bit sad. I love it so much. 

A good YSA (LDS young single adult) ward is hard to come by, and mine is pretty great. I'm just learning how to really reach out and be a good Visiting Teacher, member, friend and make more conversation with this charming boy that I once said a few words too and has beautiful skin/arm muscles/teeth. 

And on top of this I have to balance the emotional investment I put into my family and friendships. If you know me, you know that I put emotion to everything, and I'm trying extremely hard (and succeeding I feel like) at being very positive, happy, and confident in myself and my relationships and all the things I do. I'm trying to put 100% into everything, but that's a lot of percent and I'm just a little bit tired. 

I want anyone reading this to know that I'm happy, and really blessed and by no means trying to be negative, but to be honest, and open. When I write things out I really realize how truly blessed I am, and how silly I am for overthinking and over emotionalizing things. If you've gotten this far, thank you a million. I love you forever.

Also, is anyone else 300% excited for General Conference this weekend? 

I've never felt this excited before, and I'm so proud that I am. It means I'm that much closer to my Heavenly Father and my testimony is that much stronger. I absolutely love going into it with a list of questions because I always find my answers. I know that my week is going to be a little bit of a long one ahead, but I have something so great to look forward to at the end of the week. 

xoxo,

mo.