LET ME PURGE ON YOU

It's funny the amount of time we spend trying to become the wrong kind of perfect. I've mastered it, actually. Sure, sure, there are days when I open my eyes and perfect the right things, but I've been catching myself attempting the wrong kind of perfection lately. The kind of perfect for social media, or perfect for that one boy, or perfect for a friend that is just going to let you down in the end. Should I just jump the gun and call it seeking worldly perfection? You know, all that over used "the media is so awful to women" thing? Well, yeah, it is, but aren't we letting it be that way? We have so much power and influence over the things people see these days why aren't we changing it from this absurd view of perfection to the real kind of perfection we should be seeking? Like being a good sister, or loving with our whole hearts, or being slower to judge? Those are pieces of perfection that I want.

The funny thing here is, we're never actually going to reach any sort of perfection, but I love this innate idea or more, this innate desire to achieve it. If I didn't have this need to be some sort of good, better, best kind of person, I'd really only be okay. And here's my point in all this: We don't need to be perfect, we aren't ever going to be perfect, but striving to be (the right kind) will only bring us up. Am I wrong? 

Sometimes we fall down, and we scrape our knees a little bit, or pull our muscles or let our hearts break. And that's all valid. Yes, feeling things and seeking for perfection and breaking is all valid. Validate your own feelings people.

We then have to find the right person, people, event, coping method to fix us when we are these beautiful messes. (I'm obsessed with you if you're messy and okay with who you are.) And finding that "thing" to fix you is one of the hardest tasks out there. But all I have to say is turn to God, and he'll give you those things, on a platter. Sometimes a gold one, sometimes a rusted one, but a platter none the less. 

If you're striving for perfection, strive for Christ. If you're sick and broken turn it over to God. He is the only person that can truly heal your heart. He may do it through other people, or through comfort on a date by yourself. (Holla.) But all in all, if you turn it over to Him, however you may personally do that, He'll show up, grab your hand and say, "Let's go." 

My life is messy sometimes. I make it that way, but tonight it was assured to me that He is listening. He is cleaning. He is refining. Even, even if you made the mess. Even if you think you're far gone. Take one little baby step toward Him. Sometimes it takes two, or maybe even a leap. But if you do so, you're gold. And after that step, those steps, or that leap, you're going to have to use that fuel you receive and keep chugging, keep leaping. And I'll tell you, it gets tiring, but let's run together, okay? 

Hold on to the great, don't look back, turn around and start doing good, cry, validate yourself, strive for the right kind of perfection, be broken and be fixed. 

Call me. Anytime. 

TWO WEEKS TOO LONG

I don't even have a relevant picture of the last two weeks which makes me sad because it's been so beautiful, but I guess it's not a beautiful I'd ever be able to capture.

It's been a long time since I've felt the kind of happiness I've been feeling. Not that I haven't been happy previously, but it's a special kind of happiness where I've been happy over other emotions I "should" be feeling. Like stress, or jealousy, or frustration, or impatience. Events within the last few week normally would make me feel those things, but this time those emotions have taken a back seat. I wish I could take the credit of being so strong and incredible to be pushing those feelings that way, but I can say they are nothing but blessings from heaven.

I definitely fall into a cycle of pride every once in a while, and this last cycle has been a battle. Slowly, but surely I'm getting as far away from it as I can and learning again how to put people first, and be humble, but also know it's okay to share advice and opinion because I do know what I'm talking about some of the time. On occasion I have a hard time balancing humility and pride and confidence and low self esteem, and in this process of learning the differences and balances between them I've been reminded that confidence is good, and humility isn't feeling bad about yourself. I have the most confidence and humility when I'm following the promptings of the spirit and when my relationship with my God is clear and close. I've had both ends of the spectrum this week, but it's looking up up up and up today.

I need to give a quick shout out to my Liza Mae because she's been at my hip through these weeks that I didn't document and that I needed to unplug and teach myself a few things. She's taught me more than she'll ever realize. I know how to love and listen and laugh because of you, Eliza. I understand how to be a friend and work out disagreements or differences of opinion. You've reminded me that it's okay to be immature and young and silly. (This is starting to sound like we're dating. I guess we kind of are seeing as I follow you and your potential hunk around all the time.) Thanks for the long nights, your soft heart, and having a cute face. I love you, Lou.

I'm a deep person. I live on a "level 3" we like to say. I feel things deeper than the surface and I analyze the meaning and reason for everything. I look for all the lessons in every day and experience. So forgive me for posts that seem heavy or dramatic. I just only know this way.

xoxo,
mo.