THRIVING

I'm letting my stream of conscious happen because I always seem to write goodness when that happens. I'm feeling all sorts of emotions right now. Some that I can't even comprehend. I just feel overwhelmed. I have a little bit of peace, the spirit, a little bit of stress. And a whole lot of love.

There are little moments in my life that can make my heart sing like nothing you've ever heard and yesterday it was the songs that I sang with Abby and Emma and the couch in that little front room of the Wilde's house that is so openly mine to sit on whenever I need or want and sometimes the beg me to occupy it because they love me enough to want me there. Today it was hours spent with my mom, watching her in her element and seeing how truly beautiful she is and that people love her there and suddenly understanding why she loves it so much. She's needed and loved and good at being there. It was also the small world connections we had with Cami, and #thebuzziscoming event that I registered for because it's so outside and inside my element all at once.

The ward mission night was one of those little moments, where a sweet boy shook my hand twice and thanked me for coming around and inviting him to something. Then, to sit in a silent, dim building on a table, with fire in my heart and stillness in my soul with a friend that I hold so dear to my heart discussing small joys in the gospel. Those are the moments I love and live and thrive for, but I don't always open my heart, my eyes and my mind. I don't always remember to stop and feel those moments. I mean really feel them. Feel them to the depths of your soul and through your finger tips, in your gut, your knees. And when you feel those things, lock them in because as I lock these I know all the crud along the way is worth it. And as I lock these in I remember why I wake up everyday. And as I lock these in I realize how beautiful life really is. And as I feel and lock and burn with joy I remember that life really is worth living and that this is the way to live. To breathe in those moments. To create those moments. To capture, hold on, and run with the emotion that runs through your veins, the thoughts through your heart and the blood through your brain. Tomorrow can be just like today. So live your, feel your, breathe your life until you can't anymore. Until your seems split and your souls sings and your heart burns. Because then, then you'll know why.

That was so satisfying and I haven't written like that in a long time. I felt anxious to write and just wrote everything that came spitting off my fingers and I feel proud of whatever I wrote up there because it felt good to write it. I haven't even read it back, but I somehow know that it's good. You know? Life is so beautiful and I feel afraid to stop writing because I'm afraid of forgetting what I just told myself to do, but I know that I am going to live and feel, sing even, tomorrow and it's going to be so good. I'm going to shovel through the nerves and bury them with confidence and flowers. I'm going to be unapologetically me and be apologetic to those I've offended. I'm going to run and jump and love all the way to the moon.

I wish I could write forever.

But, I have to remember that God is the reason we can live. Christ is the reason we can live. They gave us these feelings and the tests and these adventures to go on and with them we can really live them and struggle through them and with the Holy Ghost we can be guided along the way to places that we can thrive in. I'm so grateful for this gospel and for my testimony of it that grows and shapes daily so that I can become this woman that I never knew I would be, but now know I want to be because God is smiling down on me because I'm becoming, through Him, what He wants me to be. And no, that doesn't mean I'm there or I'm solid and that I never disappoint because oh I do, but the fact that I'm growing and choosing to be the person that I am, that I'm letting God guide me is why he is smiling. After He smiles He can pick me up, and when he shakes his head a little bit because I fell, He remembers that smile that He had before and says, "You can go up from here." And up is a good place to be, you know? There's something so beautiful about up. The tops of trees, the mountains, the waves, the sky, the clouds, the heavens, the daddy's shoulders, and the mothers eyes. The light.

xoxo, mo.

 

ALL THE FEELS

completely unrelated picture from Easter-clearly Owe is pleased about it.

This is completely just my feelings because 1.) I feel a lot 2.) documenting how I feel will help solidify the feelings as real, and 3.) I can look back and remember how I felt as to feel it (or not) feel it again.

I'm feeling this weird sort of anxiousness that causes me to not want to do any of the things that I need to accomplish (studying, a 3 page philosophy paper, laundry), and some of the things that I even want (meal planning, photo shoot, get ready, finish a package) to accomplish. I'm having a rough time motivating myself to do any of it because I feel like I have so much of it. I did a really good job last week of checking things off of my to do list and feeling completely accomplished, but even my lists upon lists aren't motivating me. HELP. 

But here's my real issue: This is usually when I pray because I know I can't do it alone, and I know that my (our) Heavenly Father can help me in ways that I don't think will help, but totally do. But, I feel like asking for his help is selfish of me because I didn't do all I could to prepare for this paper, or this test (which is ultimately what I'm feeling anxious about) and to ask him to help me would be of no good because he meets us where we leave off, but only if we did our part, and I didn't really do my part so I'm stuck with this consequence of being anxious, right?  

As I type this out, all I'm thinking is this: He is not only a God of justice, but a God of mercy. And even though he may not make it so my paper gets an A, he can teach me something. He will show me, that if I try today He will motivate me to push forward in other parts of my life. That no matter if I make mistakes a million times, He will be there to pick me up and brush the dirt of my back. He'll embrace me in his loving arms and say, "We'll do better next time." I need to be specific in my prayers and ask him to help me accomplish the task. Even if it to just finish the 3 page paper that would seem minimal to most, but overwhelmingly hard to me because I don't understand the material. Or just understand what I need to be writing about. 

So here's what I'm really getting at here. All of that up there was selfish, it was to help me document, and process my thoughts. But here's my feels to you: No matter who you are, where you are, what religion you are, how pretty you are, the amount of mistakes you've made, or how righteous you may be, HE loves you, and HE listens to you. He is both mercy and justice, HE is all loving and all knowing. He will give you what you need, but he will also let you feel real things (not always fun), and He will have you learn.

I don't know why this turned into a testimony post, but it did. Selfish reasons mostly. And here's a question for the 3 of you out there: How do you motivate yourself when you have a lot to accomplish? I'd love your thoughts.

thanks for reading today.

xoxo,

mo.