MIA + UPDATE

This is more for me than anyone else (as is this blog I guess) so prepare for word vomit.

I've been missing in action on social media/internet/phone because I needed to unplug a little bit. I get really obsessed and overuse it sometimes. I wasn't even reading my scriptures without my phone by my side waiting/thinking about a notification or a text. And when that happens, my studying isn't actually getting done. So, the break was nice. I'm hoping to stay off social media more and more, but blogging is just different to me. It's a good different, and I feel it fine to continue to keep this journal, and read other journals because friends and testimony and photography always.

My schedule is really weird right now because I get to set my own appointments for my swim lessons, and I wasn't being very fair to myself while setting those up, but instead trying to accommodate everyone else's schedule. Which, in some senses I have to do that because an income is important when you have groceries to buy, but I also have to remember that my time and sanity is important, too. Then we have swim team, which has only been this smooth due to the constant prayers and like I said last night to the question, "How did you work that out?" "In all honesty? God." This I am eternally grateful for, but there still is this emotional exhaustion that happens when you have to tell little ones that they didn't make the team and deal with the ever so proud parents that just want their child to succeed. It good, but we get tired, you know?

And right after all my swim stuff I bolt on over to this beautiful group of people + talent + the Hill's + art and work on Tarzan (Quick plug: Tarzan the musical AF High come June 12-17) where I get to be a part of this perfect, emotionally invested, tears, laughs, and late nights thing that audience members of shows never ever understand. I've never really seemed to capture in words the experiences I have working on projects like this but there is simply nothing like it and you can't explain it to anyone that isn't a part of it. I have goosebumps even writing about it.

During these past 23 days I've been doing the whole30 and that has been the hardest thing and a really rewarding, self love building experience. I understand my body so much more which clears my head and helps me understand my heart, too. I'm just really proud of myself that I have eating this clean for 23 days and I can totally do 7 more and I just GUYS this is so good. I had such a bad, bad relationship with food and with self image and this program has been magic. I have harder days when I'm running around with everyone and everything and stuff but I don't crave foods everyday, and if I do I understand the reason behind it and I know how to get rid of it.

This post is so unorganized and unplanned but that's what update posts are like, right? Have I mentioned the boy I'm sort of "crushing" on (to use high school terminology because why not) because he has the biggest shoulders and this oddly charming quiet, unknown quality and I ran into him at Good Earth, where I go 3 times a week, and he works there so I haven't gone back since Saturday because he makes me so nervous.

Here's what I'm getting at: my life is busy, and different, and continually changing. I've been re-watching the entire series of Boy Meets World with my little brother. I've been a couple 9 year old's favorite coach, and I've let some people down. I'm a late night thinker, and a mistake maker. I've changed the way I eat, I've let go of people I held on to too long only to keep my very favorites who could hold my heart in their hand for me. I've cried in the hospital hallway and I've cried creating a video memory for someone else to hold dear. I've been angry and snippy and grumpy. I'm a sister, and a teacher. I'm an artist, and a daughter. All of this makes my life so beautiful and in these last two weeks I have just pushed forward with stress rather than realizing these wonderful things that I have sitting in my lap and waiting on my front porch.

But I start my days off eating breakfast and reading on my porch and with all the crazy hours of the day I switch cars three times and grab a smoothie and get in and out of the pool and teach. And I finish my day with laughs and girly words and country music. The only thing I know for the next day is that it could go completely the same or completely different. I love that about right now. I'm so blessed with two best friends that keep me sane, that I never would imagine going through these days with me but I'm so glad I have their front rooms and their phone calls because sharing things is always better. I love baseball season meaning dinner at 9 pm because watching the boys play is more important than feeding ourselves and Saturdays aren't for yard work until August. Today is for today and tomorrow is for my heart.

I love these moments and these minutes and the feelings all on the surface.

xoxo,
mo.

I NEVER THOUGHT I'D:

I called my best friend who lives all the way in NYC today because absolutely no one can fix me like she can. She just pieces everything together and makes me feel safe to just say all the words I need to and to even cry and laugh so loud in her ear. She opens my eyes a million miles wide to things I really need to see.She doesn't care if she feels how I feel because she loves me and knows that whatever I feel is real for me and even though I may not need validation she validates it and is all sorts of good. Only three more weeks until I get to see her in the flesh. I don't know if she even reads this, but if you do, my dear. I love you to the moon. Thank you.

As we were talking we said a lot of things like, "I never thought this would happen," or "I didn't think it'd turn out that way." Then, when I came home I saw a link party with this "I never thought I'd..." theme and I just had to jump on that train because it fit today so well.

I never thought I'd:

+be living at home while going to school
+fall in love with art, theatre and dance
+fall in love already
+miss people that I miss so much
+get a "B" and be okay with it
+be confident enough to put pictures of myself somewhere people could see
+watch my family struggle
+stay in touch with T; let alone become best friends
+care so much about everything
+get heartbroken
+stay in Utah for school/feel so undecided about where I want to go to school
+actually survive 10 days (and counting) without sugar
+stop playing piano
+still be teaching swim lessons
+have 2 callings, a job, and finals week and be overly grateful that they're all happening at once
+run a red light today (total accident which is almost worse than on purpose)
+ride trains and busses on the daily
+absolutely love to cook
+research random things/watch educational lectures for utter enjoyment
+own a windows based computer
+be exactly where I am emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually today.

xoxo,
mo.

SICK DAY

I've been sick since about Wednesday, and thus I said "No thanks" to a train commute and 4 classes today. I then got upset with myself because I most likely would have been fine sitting through classes because I had Saturday and Sunday to sit around and be sick.

But, there's something different about a weekday sick day vs. a weekend sick day. Plus, I did all my assignments and scanned them in to my professors, so I justified. I played a little bit of internet and nap catch up, which is never a bad thing. (I'm totally over-milking this, aren't I?)

I'm off in search for cough/sore throat/head and body ache remedies. (For when I can't take NyQuil because that stuff is straight heaven.)

xoxo,
mo.

LITTLE THOUGHTS AND THINGS

I had ideas of making this post well thought out and full of insight on change, but forcing that was making it harder for me to write. So today you get a stream on conscious. Life has been really good to me lately and really simple. I hope that's because I need some down time before I save the world or something. Either way, the Lord is looking out for me.

I'm loving all missionary cuties today, and missing that cute one up there already. I'm also back teaching and coaching, which can be exciting and exhausting all at the same time. I learned this week about compromise and patience. As I've gotten older patience became harder and harder for me, and learning to regain that, or learn it all together right now is hard, man. I'm finally understanding why patience is a virtue.

Trust in the Lord's timing. Help me continue to trust in the Lord's timing because I know he is a perfectly timed God, but there are days longer than others. I'm feeling very grateful for relationships in my life and relationships that take work. I think the ones that require work (be it good work) are more worth it than the easy ones. My hardest friendships and relationships that require compromise and thought are normally the most beautiful and well working ones, despite the contradiction of it on paper.

Here's to getting back into normal life after a simple, nice weathered break.

xoxo,
mo.