UNRELATED

Football season is now officially over and I didn't actually get a lot of good images of these little ones that I absolutely adore. Sports photography is defenatly not my forte. I would love it to be, but without a zoom lens it's hard. Am I completely wrong? All that nonsense aside, I wanted to write about something completely unrelated to football, but that's what I most recently had on my camera from Saturday.

 

I wanted to talk about productivity, which is probably so bizarre. Either way, I felt proud of today because I got what some may think is nothing, but to me was a lot done. Even my previous self would laugh at how little it actually was, but today's me was so glad. And that's what I think is amazing about life and production and the human mind. I don't want to rant on you, but often times I compare how much I accomplish to people who are doing 7 times more than I am and I get all bummed out. I'm sure I'm not the only one that has done this before. I just want you to know that 1.) stop comparing. Those that are doing more or less than you could be wishing they were where you're at. The grass always seems to be greener, eh? 2.) You're doing okay. If you only cleaned your room, bathroom, car and went to the gym today, good on you. If you got out bed today, good on you. If you called a friend, went to 8 hours of school, made the neighbors dinner, worked 7 hours, went to the gym, and did a load of laundry, good on you. I have this thing that I do when I'm teaching swim lessons that I say to the littles when they leave the wall and move forward. "Oh my goodness! Look how far you made it. Do you see that?! I am so proud of you." And I say that no matter how far they got. Because the important part is that they moved. And I think that can be applied here. Sometimes you only make it from the bed to the couch, and that's okay. Just try to make it a little farther the next day.

 

Whatever you got done today, cut yourself some slack and be proud of what you did. It's okay if you didn't save the world today. I'm sure you started saving someone's. This video is kind of long, but if you have 9 minutes to spare I totally encourage you to watch it. Such a game changer in my book.

 

 

xoxo, mo.

 

REAL TIME

This is my real time state. Cuddled up on my couch, beneath the window, feeling humbled. My weaknesses made an appearance today, which seemed bound to happen after such a beautiful week. My stressors got the best of me, and for no reason at all. But, after spending nearly all day living in my weaknesses I looked for an answer to fix how I felt. Something to immediately make this tired day better. Here is what I found originally while updating myself on my Pinterest feed: "above all, never lose faith in your Father in Heaven, who loves you more than you can comprehend." But, if I'm being honest that didn't make me feel better, so I sought out the talk the quote was from. The first ten minutes of the fifteen minute talk didn't seem to suffice what I was looking for either. 

Then, by spirit, or Elder Hollands words, I don't know, I came to the conclusion that I'm just going to live today. Feel the anxieties and the weaknesses. Be sad for a day because I don't have to be shiny and beautiful every day. It's okay to have those weaknesses and to just know that this will pass. If the bitter cup doesn't pass, drink it. I'm not sure why this made me feel better, but it did. 

I feel like I'm pretty open here about hard days and emotions, but often social media is all the beautiful and shiny. So today was bitter-- if only to make myself feel better later or to resonate with one person to not feel alone. 

Tomorrow already looks better. 

xoxo, mo. 

GREASE LIGHTNING

 

 

I had the privilege of taking the most darling group dance photos on Saturday. I was stressed almost the entire time taking them because there were so many of them, and there were 3 other groups at our same location. But, when I got home and looked through them to edit, I found 80+ images that I loved. So, I thought I'd share.

 

xoxo, mo.

 

THRIVING

I'm letting my stream of conscious happen because I always seem to write goodness when that happens. I'm feeling all sorts of emotions right now. Some that I can't even comprehend. I just feel overwhelmed. I have a little bit of peace, the spirit, a little bit of stress. And a whole lot of love.

There are little moments in my life that can make my heart sing like nothing you've ever heard and yesterday it was the songs that I sang with Abby and Emma and the couch in that little front room of the Wilde's house that is so openly mine to sit on whenever I need or want and sometimes the beg me to occupy it because they love me enough to want me there. Today it was hours spent with my mom, watching her in her element and seeing how truly beautiful she is and that people love her there and suddenly understanding why she loves it so much. She's needed and loved and good at being there. It was also the small world connections we had with Cami, and #thebuzziscoming event that I registered for because it's so outside and inside my element all at once.

The ward mission night was one of those little moments, where a sweet boy shook my hand twice and thanked me for coming around and inviting him to something. Then, to sit in a silent, dim building on a table, with fire in my heart and stillness in my soul with a friend that I hold so dear to my heart discussing small joys in the gospel. Those are the moments I love and live and thrive for, but I don't always open my heart, my eyes and my mind. I don't always remember to stop and feel those moments. I mean really feel them. Feel them to the depths of your soul and through your finger tips, in your gut, your knees. And when you feel those things, lock them in because as I lock these I know all the crud along the way is worth it. And as I lock these in I remember why I wake up everyday. And as I lock these in I realize how beautiful life really is. And as I feel and lock and burn with joy I remember that life really is worth living and that this is the way to live. To breathe in those moments. To create those moments. To capture, hold on, and run with the emotion that runs through your veins, the thoughts through your heart and the blood through your brain. Tomorrow can be just like today. So live your, feel your, breathe your life until you can't anymore. Until your seems split and your souls sings and your heart burns. Because then, then you'll know why.

That was so satisfying and I haven't written like that in a long time. I felt anxious to write and just wrote everything that came spitting off my fingers and I feel proud of whatever I wrote up there because it felt good to write it. I haven't even read it back, but I somehow know that it's good. You know? Life is so beautiful and I feel afraid to stop writing because I'm afraid of forgetting what I just told myself to do, but I know that I am going to live and feel, sing even, tomorrow and it's going to be so good. I'm going to shovel through the nerves and bury them with confidence and flowers. I'm going to be unapologetically me and be apologetic to those I've offended. I'm going to run and jump and love all the way to the moon.

I wish I could write forever.

But, I have to remember that God is the reason we can live. Christ is the reason we can live. They gave us these feelings and the tests and these adventures to go on and with them we can really live them and struggle through them and with the Holy Ghost we can be guided along the way to places that we can thrive in. I'm so grateful for this gospel and for my testimony of it that grows and shapes daily so that I can become this woman that I never knew I would be, but now know I want to be because God is smiling down on me because I'm becoming, through Him, what He wants me to be. And no, that doesn't mean I'm there or I'm solid and that I never disappoint because oh I do, but the fact that I'm growing and choosing to be the person that I am, that I'm letting God guide me is why he is smiling. After He smiles He can pick me up, and when he shakes his head a little bit because I fell, He remembers that smile that He had before and says, "You can go up from here." And up is a good place to be, you know? There's something so beautiful about up. The tops of trees, the mountains, the waves, the sky, the clouds, the heavens, the daddy's shoulders, and the mothers eyes. The light.

xoxo, mo.

 

CONTRADICTIONS

 

My brother would be so upset if he knew I put these up.

 

I have so many thoughts in my head that I have a physical headache. I'm sure the thoughts aren't the cause, but I'd rather blame it on that than my lack of vision that's causing it. So, here I am spitting out thoughts through my fingers.

One of my very favorite people comes home from his mission in 2 minutes (12 days) and instead of writing this blog post I wrote him an email full of contradictions which got me thinking about well, everything. How I can doubt myself and be pleased at the same time. To believe and question at the same time. You know, just general contradictions and also how fast two years can go by. Not even in the relation of missions, but just two years of life, and two years turns into four which turns into eight and then twenty and so on and so fourth. Life is extremely loud (wow, I meant to write short, but Adam Levine said "loud" on the television so clearly he has influence. Also, multitasking isn't my strongest suit.) Life is extremely short. Does that make anyone else a little panicky? Or is that just me? The funny thing about this whole life is short concept is that I'm so impatient. I have this thing that I want to change and it's going to take a lot of work, months of work, and I want it to happen now. But I don't want it to be January yet, you know? Does that even make sense? I'm sure those months will be gone before I want them to, anyway, so I just have to put in the work.

I contradict myself because life is too short to always be stubborn and sometimes contradictions are like admitting you might be wrong.

Here I am being sentimental about the last two years-feeling hurt and frustration while extremely overjoyed is there, too.

Let's just leave with, "The mountains are really pretty."

Xo, Mo.

 

OCTOBER NOSTALGIA

 

 

October is a good month for me. Two years ago big things happened in October. Taylor's RED album came out, senior year goodness began, a good relationship ended, and one of my favorite people moved temporarily to Montanna. Now, two years later, Taylor's 1989 album will be coming out, that Montanna boy will be coming home, and new a new relationship(s) is(are) budding. So, because of all these happenings in Octobers (not to mention the weather is perfect and everyone seems to love this month) I get emotional throughout the month. It's the good kind of emotional (most days) and I just bask in the feelings that this month brings and the music that comes along side it. And to add to all of that I've spent the last two days cleaning out the folders and hard drive of my families computer and found a million and a half gems. Half of those being photos from junior high which should never be shown here, but may be due to all the laughter it brought me. Nostalgia is real, people.

On another note, isn't my brother the cutest? We've been trying to do things throughout the week that we don't normally do--while the weather is still nice--that involves engaging our minds, bodies, and spirits (well, I'm sure he doesn't realize that I'm making that a priority, he just joins in on the fun), so we drove a few cities over to this park with a giant climbing pyramid (hence all the black rope) that had to have been 40 feet tall. I'll be honest, I was hesitant to get up there, but O just took my hand and told me I could do it, so I did. I'm so glad that I did because we spent almost two hours climbing and chatting. I felt really appreciative of a ten year old mind and the gorgeous sky. It was one of those days where you just fall asleep thinking, "today was just so good"

Lastly, I got a new job that's challenging me, is perfect for me, and just a whole bunch of blessings rolled into one, but I'm nervous because I'm supposed to assist with real life surgeries (the job is a surgeon's assistant) but my contacts ripped and I'm not allowed to wear my glasses, so pray for me that it somehow works out and I don't screw up my first time assisting.

xoxo,

Mo.

 

BEAUTY + AMONG OTHER THINGS

There's places that just make you feel good. Just like there are fixes for tired days. My number one place is the temple. My number two place is outside. Specifically this little park near my home where there's a hidden away little corner that feels like you're in some sort of lost boys land on one side and then the other is a giant field where wild horses once roamed I think. 

Every day for a week now I've woken up and said to myself, I'm going to blog today. Because, in the back of my little brain I know how therapeutic and even enjoyable it is for me. But, I've been having a very new sort of anxiety going on where I get butterflies and nervousness and constant though minimal fear of leaving my home and doing something that puts me out of a comfort zone. Now, I think that's generally what people call anxiety, but I've never experienced it in that sort of way before. I'm a worrier, and and a kind of stress case, but not typically anxious like. It's a new experience. 

So, I've had to push myself through tasks and to get out of my house and I found walks, parks, outdoors and things are so, so lovely. It's something I can completely control, but is still outside of my comfortable little abode. I hope this little week of anxiousness is just that--a little week. And thanks for letting me get on about it. 

Also, for you conference listeners out there, isn't it just a lovely time of year. It's so snuggly and uplifting and generally nice. 

I've been feeling quite grateful this week. A grateful heart is a big heart. I just have such a crazy little life and I'm so proud of myself for being the person I am on the inside lately even when the only people around me are my beautiful mess of a family. I'm also very grateful for them, the lovely weather, and all the little things.

I used to be a writer who wrote poetry and vauge artistic words, but today I'm just honest and my thoughts flow out like the kitchen tap. I don't think I'm done writing artfully, but bold journal-like honesty is working better for now. 

My heart is full today. And for you that may be reading this at some point remember that it's okay to be you. You be you. I'll be me. Also, thank you for reading this little snippet because even though I write for me, sometimes I write for you because it feels like I'm having a good hot coco and chat with you (whoever you may be).

Ta, ta,

Mo.