BEAUTY + AMONG OTHER THINGS

There's places that just make you feel good. Just like there are fixes for tired days. My number one place is the temple. My number two place is outside. Specifically this little park near my home where there's a hidden away little corner that feels like you're in some sort of lost boys land on one side and then the other is a giant field where wild horses once roamed I think. 

Every day for a week now I've woken up and said to myself, I'm going to blog today. Because, in the back of my little brain I know how therapeutic and even enjoyable it is for me. But, I've been having a very new sort of anxiety going on where I get butterflies and nervousness and constant though minimal fear of leaving my home and doing something that puts me out of a comfort zone. Now, I think that's generally what people call anxiety, but I've never experienced it in that sort of way before. I'm a worrier, and and a kind of stress case, but not typically anxious like. It's a new experience. 

So, I've had to push myself through tasks and to get out of my house and I found walks, parks, outdoors and things are so, so lovely. It's something I can completely control, but is still outside of my comfortable little abode. I hope this little week of anxiousness is just that--a little week. And thanks for letting me get on about it. 

Also, for you conference listeners out there, isn't it just a lovely time of year. It's so snuggly and uplifting and generally nice. 

I've been feeling quite grateful this week. A grateful heart is a big heart. I just have such a crazy little life and I'm so proud of myself for being the person I am on the inside lately even when the only people around me are my beautiful mess of a family. I'm also very grateful for them, the lovely weather, and all the little things.

I used to be a writer who wrote poetry and vauge artistic words, but today I'm just honest and my thoughts flow out like the kitchen tap. I don't think I'm done writing artfully, but bold journal-like honesty is working better for now. 

My heart is full today. And for you that may be reading this at some point remember that it's okay to be you. You be you. I'll be me. Also, thank you for reading this little snippet because even though I write for me, sometimes I write for you because it feels like I'm having a good hot coco and chat with you (whoever you may be).

Ta, ta,

Mo. 

A LITTLE BIT VAUGE + DRAMATIC + YOUNG

My very absolute favorite thing to find out about people is the tiny things, the quick fixes, the beautiful cliches that heal a hard day, sad or hurt feelings, and a broken heart.

For my mom, she needs a counter productive coffee and nap. If you do the dishes while she's asleep, you'll be her queen. 

My dad just needs to be alone. Drive. 

Owen needs to fight, and then have someone pray in the same room he is. 

I remember a friend who shopped. Retail therapy was real for that cutie. 

A diet coke with lime, reisens, and a vent session was J's fix. One of my favorites to fix. 

Paul needs cuddles.

Smash likes a treat, and to binge watch movies. 

As you grow older and change and evolve your little fixes do to. 

I have quite a few and they vary from day to day, mood to different mood, with other to alone. There's something about someone remembering those little things for you and being a healer, something about remembering those for someone else-knowing when to step in- and there's something about healing for yourself. 

It's only Wednesday, and this week has been a long one. And tonight my heart ached with nostalgia, love, and a realization how far away my closest people are. People grow, change, and evolve. This is usually something I'm pretty good at realizing and being able to detach when the time is right. But, I didn't think this one would ever grow away from my heart. Distance, sure, my heart, no. Watching it happen before my eyes, and feeling it in my bones is a little chilly, but there's old sweatshirts for that. 

So, tonight with a soft heart, I played the music in the car exceptionally loud, sang out at the top of my lungs, dances, and cried just a little because all of that is healing to me. I finished with a half and half frosty because nostalgia is real and then I wrote because that heals me. I talked to the east, it told me it loved me, and that made my heart a little bit stronger. 

Xo, mo. 

A POORLY INFORMATIVE LIST

*this whole no computer thing is causing my pictures/layout to suffer. Forgive me. 

I've spend the past seven days lying down, interneting, (yep. Just made up a verb.) and a lot of thinking.  Surgery happened, I'm not just 100% lazy. Which is causing me to not form a proper post, but a list:

+YouTube is an addiction. That I have over fed 3 times this week. 4 straight hours of ShayTard videos later...I've not subscribed to their podcast channel, which leads me to the next bullet.

+Podcasts, I thought, were for old people. Which might still be the case, but I actually love them and frequent the podcast app on my iPhone. 

+Surgery plus cold plus Mother Nature all at once is hell. 

+Let's pull out some positives: finished the last 4 seasons of Friends, found out I have people that love me more than I thought or even deserve, got to spend hours with my mother also slept next to her and she's wonderful, Ben and Jerry's is stocked in my freezer. 

+Gel ice packs are my favorite times a million. 

+Everyone can either stop getting married, or those three other couples can just get engaged so I can start some wedding planning. 

+God blessed me even when undeserving. 

+I actually miss work, who knew

+Crushes on boys that are really busy are hard. 

+Marley, you can just live closer to me now. 

+Liza, you're absolutely, impossibly wonderful 

+Emily Cooper, oh my goodness I'm speechless. You're perfect. 

+my thoughts have now turned to the fact that I have 60 mins of ShayTards to update myself on. 

Kisses,

Mo

LITTLE + TINY

Yes, I made that "life lately according to my iPhone" collage on my actual iPhone. I'm as teenage girl as it gets here. Forgive my laziness and blame it on my broken laptop.

Unlike 80% of my posts, I've thought about this one for the last few days. Probably because a lot has happened this weekend and I wanted to make sure I documented it. But it's also scary to write down because it has been a bit of an emotional turn around that putting it into words makes it more real. 

Back in May I submitted mission papers for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. Since then I've had to go through a lot of health screenings and waiting around. I put off school, and I didn't look for a fall job. But, 4 months later, after resolving  that I was healthy and good to go they still decided to postpone resubmitting my papers until November. It was a battle for me to be spending a semester that I could be in school, not, and not being aware if I should look for a more solid job. Plus, everyone I know is dead (on missions/at school/getting all married and such) so there was a lot of angst inside of me, which caused the life enjoying to slow. After an extreme emotionally taxing weekend I finally came to understand that my Heavenly Father is behind me and His timing is more important than my planning and timing.  I can't say that this is 100% easy for me to accept and embrace, but I'm willing to embrace it and there is peace in the place of angst. I'm fully ready to see what happens next and peel the onion behind why His timing is the way it is. 

On Friday my emotions were at their peak of frustration, exhaustion and bitterness. But last night they changed gradually, yet all of the sudden to comfort and solidity. I completely have to thank my Heavenly Father for that and I know that I couldn't have done it without him. I'm so grateful for this trial that has been so much a piece of me because I know that in the future it will teach me something, as it has already taught me patience. 

So, as I begin this journey of realizing why I'm still here, I'm setting some goals to accomplish whilst in that process. I'd love to learn again how to really love myself. To enjoy and appreciate my talents, while loving my weaknesses as well. I'm going to stop feeling guilty every time I want something unhealthy, but treat my body with care. I'd love to keep up with this writing thing here, and get over my fear of photographing everything because it's something I adore. I'm going to let myself feel all of the things at my surface and compliment often. I want to fulfill all 4 of my callings with the heart and soul that I should. I will stop negative self talk. I'm working on being assertive rather than passive aggressive.  I list all of this here because: accountability. And self improvement is always easier with someone behind you, so join me if you will. 

I feel so much love in my heart for the life that I lead and the individuality of everyone else's lives, even those closely intertwined in my own. Isn't it interesting that we can all exist in the same day, same state, same city, same house, but lead completely different thoughts, emotions and actions. Beautiful. 

Until tomorrow,

xoxo mo. 

RAIN + 19 + HEARTS

I don't really know what I'm about to say, but I've missed blogging, or writing in general so that's what I'm doing I guess. 

I haven't written since JUNE. wow, that's insane because July was one for the books. In a "so much happened and so much was good and beautiful and fun" kind of way. I fell in love a lot in July, but got my heart broken only 3 times. None of them knew that they broke my heart though, so I sometimes pretend that it doesn't really count. I turned 19 in July. Which feels like this baby age, but also I feel really grown up. I laughed a lot in July at things that I shouldn't have laughed at and I had really, really good mornings at swim practice. Then, I also had really hard mornings where the swim parents were so difficult I just cried because I really was trying so hard. I rekindled friendships that I really needed and the weather was fantastic. So overall, July was pretty beautiful. I just wish I would have photographed it. I would make an excuse, but I'm working on being assertive and not making excuses so no excuses--I just didn't.  

August on the other hand has been a little bit harder. As I'm not going to school this semester seeing everyone else move out and on with the rest of their lives while I sit here waiting for a piece of mail that determines the next chapter of my book has been testing. Watching people get married and get boyfriends and dump boyfriends has been testing. I'd like to say I'm learning from it, but I don't quite think I am learning from it YET because I'm too emotional about it all. I'm living in the "wanting what you don't have" and "living though the rear view mirror rather than the windshield" kind of life. And I don't really like that, so I'm going to change it. Because that's what people do when they don't like the situation that their in, right? 

Gosh, this is the worst blogpost I think I have ever written. 

Anyway. Life is beautiful and I need to do more capturing of it because to be honest, that's one of my favorite hobbies and I've forgotten bout it. So, if anyone is out there, remind me to capture. Even if I'm not sharing just capturing for me. Because then, I have to use the windshield. The pictures turn out much better that way. 

Keep smiling and being proud of yourselves. (I'm so proud of me because I've kept my room so clean and I've gotten ready everyday this week. Also, I had a really good day at the gym. So, be proud of what you're doing.)

Here's to bad writing. Woo. 

LET ME PURGE ON YOU

It's funny the amount of time we spend trying to become the wrong kind of perfect. I've mastered it, actually. Sure, sure, there are days when I open my eyes and perfect the right things, but I've been catching myself attempting the wrong kind of perfection lately. The kind of perfect for social media, or perfect for that one boy, or perfect for a friend that is just going to let you down in the end. Should I just jump the gun and call it seeking worldly perfection? You know, all that over used "the media is so awful to women" thing? Well, yeah, it is, but aren't we letting it be that way? We have so much power and influence over the things people see these days why aren't we changing it from this absurd view of perfection to the real kind of perfection we should be seeking? Like being a good sister, or loving with our whole hearts, or being slower to judge? Those are pieces of perfection that I want.

The funny thing here is, we're never actually going to reach any sort of perfection, but I love this innate idea or more, this innate desire to achieve it. If I didn't have this need to be some sort of good, better, best kind of person, I'd really only be okay. And here's my point in all this: We don't need to be perfect, we aren't ever going to be perfect, but striving to be (the right kind) will only bring us up. Am I wrong? 

Sometimes we fall down, and we scrape our knees a little bit, or pull our muscles or let our hearts break. And that's all valid. Yes, feeling things and seeking for perfection and breaking is all valid. Validate your own feelings people.

We then have to find the right person, people, event, coping method to fix us when we are these beautiful messes. (I'm obsessed with you if you're messy and okay with who you are.) And finding that "thing" to fix you is one of the hardest tasks out there. But all I have to say is turn to God, and he'll give you those things, on a platter. Sometimes a gold one, sometimes a rusted one, but a platter none the less. 

If you're striving for perfection, strive for Christ. If you're sick and broken turn it over to God. He is the only person that can truly heal your heart. He may do it through other people, or through comfort on a date by yourself. (Holla.) But all in all, if you turn it over to Him, however you may personally do that, He'll show up, grab your hand and say, "Let's go." 

My life is messy sometimes. I make it that way, but tonight it was assured to me that He is listening. He is cleaning. He is refining. Even, even if you made the mess. Even if you think you're far gone. Take one little baby step toward Him. Sometimes it takes two, or maybe even a leap. But if you do so, you're gold. And after that step, those steps, or that leap, you're going to have to use that fuel you receive and keep chugging, keep leaping. And I'll tell you, it gets tiring, but let's run together, okay? 

Hold on to the great, don't look back, turn around and start doing good, cry, validate yourself, strive for the right kind of perfection, be broken and be fixed. 

Call me. Anytime. 

TWO WEEKS TOO LONG

I don't even have a relevant picture of the last two weeks which makes me sad because it's been so beautiful, but I guess it's not a beautiful I'd ever be able to capture.

It's been a long time since I've felt the kind of happiness I've been feeling. Not that I haven't been happy previously, but it's a special kind of happiness where I've been happy over other emotions I "should" be feeling. Like stress, or jealousy, or frustration, or impatience. Events within the last few week normally would make me feel those things, but this time those emotions have taken a back seat. I wish I could take the credit of being so strong and incredible to be pushing those feelings that way, but I can say they are nothing but blessings from heaven.

I definitely fall into a cycle of pride every once in a while, and this last cycle has been a battle. Slowly, but surely I'm getting as far away from it as I can and learning again how to put people first, and be humble, but also know it's okay to share advice and opinion because I do know what I'm talking about some of the time. On occasion I have a hard time balancing humility and pride and confidence and low self esteem, and in this process of learning the differences and balances between them I've been reminded that confidence is good, and humility isn't feeling bad about yourself. I have the most confidence and humility when I'm following the promptings of the spirit and when my relationship with my God is clear and close. I've had both ends of the spectrum this week, but it's looking up up up and up today.

I need to give a quick shout out to my Liza Mae because she's been at my hip through these weeks that I didn't document and that I needed to unplug and teach myself a few things. She's taught me more than she'll ever realize. I know how to love and listen and laugh because of you, Eliza. I understand how to be a friend and work out disagreements or differences of opinion. You've reminded me that it's okay to be immature and young and silly. (This is starting to sound like we're dating. I guess we kind of are seeing as I follow you and your potential hunk around all the time.) Thanks for the long nights, your soft heart, and having a cute face. I love you, Lou.

I'm a deep person. I live on a "level 3" we like to say. I feel things deeper than the surface and I analyze the meaning and reason for everything. I look for all the lessons in every day and experience. So forgive me for posts that seem heavy or dramatic. I just only know this way.

xoxo,
mo.